Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

The second world war should have been called world war returns

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules