I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
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I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Finally, a door that understands me
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That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Just had my nails done!
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Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
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Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”![]()
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
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They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.