Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

I only say stupid things when I talk.

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary