I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
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Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.