I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
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triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Nice try Hitler
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Found the job I’m suited for
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.