Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses