Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

If at first you don’t succeed, try try again

“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

👍

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?