I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
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If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he鈥檚 starting to rethink his decisions
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Everybody鈥檚 big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My wife and I hadn鈥檛 cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I鈥檒l help you. I鈥檒l be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn鈥檛 look like you鈥檝e been flossing.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Best Halloween decoration so far. 馃槄
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air鈥long with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I鈥檓 buying a dart gun.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.