I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
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When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.