I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
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Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I created you as mosquito food.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.