I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
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A collection of me turning into random objects.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
titanic
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
omg leave her alone
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.