I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…