Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

He’s cranky this morning

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.