Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

People buying plungers never look happy.

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.