I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
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[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
sometimes we need to be reminded
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.