I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
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[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
gasoline
noun: mouthwash for dragons
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing