I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
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Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*