Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

Sounds like a real hoot.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

Lucky for them, they’re cute

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

I only treason on days ending in y

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.