Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

I identify as an antique shop.

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

this is me

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door