If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
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If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I only treason on days ending in y