Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.