Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

pelicons

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Hey i am sexy to you now

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using