Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

so i’m at the stock market right

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.