i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
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Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.