I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
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Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Okay this one takes it home
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Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
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I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it