I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
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Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.