I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
