Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird