Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

こいつ天才

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him