Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

Creepy-crawlies

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

barbara was highly relatable

If you breakdance you buy dance.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what