Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

Harsh but fair

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

The Compass

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.

It’s partly why I became a bus driver.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.