Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

for all #parents out there

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.