I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
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*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
mentally somewhere in italy
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”