Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed