i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
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I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Mornin. * use accordingly
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.