i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
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Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
#damn
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Milk Cube
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
NASA has no chill
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*