i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
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I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
ouch
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
#FunnyLife Insects
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Rather alarming headline…
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.