Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.