I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
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12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Boating season is upon us.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
What if the weather talks about us?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
In case you needed to hear it:
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”