I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
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Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
the three branches of government
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
