I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
You Might Also Like
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
how do y’all walk in shallow water
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.