I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
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The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second