I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
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I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it