Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?