@birbigs

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

You Might Also Like

@Julie_McGann1

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

@nayele18maybe

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

@pro_worrier_

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

@Serious_Law_Guy

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

@Home_Halfway

My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.

@NewDadNotes

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

@Nips_00

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

@goldengateblond

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”