I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

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I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.


I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.


Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.


Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.


My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.


[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]


You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking


when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”