I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
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why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
fr
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.