I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
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My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
White parent Vs Arab parents
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
This 4th of July, please remember…
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.