‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
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The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
💀 😭
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted