Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

same vibe as tangled headphones

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.