Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao