Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

peak technology

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

These 3D printers are insane!

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-