I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
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Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Terribly Tuesday.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon