Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

Donating blood today to make room for more food

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once