I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
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I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.