I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
*sewing*
A thread
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.