I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
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This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,