Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

RT if you could go either way.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

termite twitter scares me

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Gemma Correll

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already