Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

Can Happiness buy money?

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.