Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.