I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
You Might Also Like
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.