@Midgetspar

I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe’s.

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@ChillGates69

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

@mrjohndarby

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

@AOC

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

@BobTheSuit

The self-checkout screen says “Finish and pay.” I feel like I’m with an irritable hooker.

@UnFitz

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

@rickolantern

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

@momjeansplease

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.