Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe’s.
You Might Also Like
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
The self-checkout screen says “Finish and pay.” I feel like I’m with an irritable hooker.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”