I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe’s.

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I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.


*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.


[therapists office]
my wife: i have a fear of giants
me: she has f-
marriage counsellor:
my wife: don’t you dare say it
me: Feefiphobia


I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.


*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them


I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.


Was gonna be a professional quarterback but I didn’t wanna injure my chip dipping arm.


This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.


i watched a bunch of spy movies and developed this extremely accurate FBI floorplan