Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

I wish I had the confidence of this kitten who jumps up the same wall everyday thinking it’s gonna stick to it like Spider-Man

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.