I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
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Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months