Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.