Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
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Kids today will tell their kids how they had to walk up the stairs at home both ways to get to school
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
WD-40 is an essential oil.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Your search – Bruno Mars not wearing a stupid hat – did not match any documents. Did you mean: Bruno Mars wearing a stupid hat.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.