@Elizasoul80

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

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@ThisOneSayz

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

@lukeplusone

Kids today will tell their kids how they had to walk up the stairs at home both ways to get to school

@panmidwest

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

@ShortSleeveSuit

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

@boring_as_heck

Your search – Bruno Mars not wearing a stupid hat – did not match any documents. Did you mean: Bruno Mars wearing a stupid hat.

@molly7anne

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

@Tom_Vom

It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.

@stephenjmolloy

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

@GuyThe_Guy

It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.