Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine