Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!