Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Tell the colonel to bring it

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.