I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
The asteroid..
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”