Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

OKAY DAD

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

A French press is when you hug naked

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753