i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
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Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.