Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

LOL!

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.