I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
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It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors